a baptism of tears – my God/Body map

I lit my candle, the one I purchased at Bath and Body Works last week and it supposedly smells like Mountain Leaves. I disagree. It smells like man; like a distinct men’s cologne that I’ve smelled before and cannot seem to name, but it fills the room with this scent that I love. It’s my homework candle, purchased specifically to be lit to mark the beginning of homework time.

I lit the candle and then I perused my bookshelf. I knew what book I was looking for. I bought it before I left for college, with it’s buttery soft cover and pages as thin as onion skins. Grey and black with white stitching, a deep NIV on the spine, I removed this Bible from the shelf with a tightness in my chest; my breath came in quick, shallow successions.

I prayed. I prayed and I cried tears of fear, tears of desire, tears of longing and pain. Pain from the oppression these words had placed on my life. Desire to be free from the interpretations and translations of man and to hear a holy God in the midst of the loud voices I’ve known. I begged that my desire would be known as good by the Divine. I prayed that God would be with me on this journey, whatever it may look like, how ever far I move away from what I’ve always known…

… and then I began to rip. I ripped out Romans, the entire book gone in one motion. I tore out a few pages from Act, all of Psalms, some of Proverbs, even Leviticus with it’s laws that hurt and hinder and separate people from God. I tore them out and I cried. I cried for the hurt these words had done to people… had done to me…

I tore the pages out and I glued them down; books of Christian scripture scattered on an 18″ x 24″ canvas.

I smeared the glue with my hands, roughly coated the entire surface.

Glue and onion paper, baptized with the holy water of my tears…

Shedding my former self and coming into now.

Leaving behind the God I was told of in order to seek the God who is…

This is the beginning of my God/Body map.

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Selah.

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