free form 2.0

Maybe, just maybe, if I write all the shit that is clouding my brain then I can finish my research paper, my three essay questions, and my case study for school. ONE WEEK LEFT, Y’ALL!!!

The sun was out today. Where was I? At day 2 of our new hire orientation at work. Yeah, after working there for over nine months. Someone dropped the ball on that situation.

The sun is setting now. Where am I? Reading about narcissism and trying to form a thesis for this idea I have in regards to my research paper for Theology II. I really do think there is a connection between the lack of lament in the Western Christian church and the narcissistic tendencies our church structure seems to have. Of course, so far this is all an opinion until I can read all that I need to read. How do I even begin to explain narcissism in the context of a congregation rather than an individual? I may have bit off more than I can actually chew at this point.

Oh yeah, I leave for Ireland in 10 days. That can’t come soon enough.

Then there’s the worry that I haven’t saved enough money for the trip. I think I have, but I forgot that it’s not an equal conversion; for about every $1 I have, I’ll only get E0.76 (that’s not even one Euro; in Belfast, which is still on the pound, I’ll get L0.63 for every $1). Add all this to the fact that I REALLY DON’T LIKE MATH and tend to shut down when I have to do math of any kind and you have one freaked out Courtney.

People also keep telling me that Irish people will buy me drinks. I’m sort of counting on it at this point, so I’ve got that going for me. Keep in mind that the more I drink, the more Texas I become. I may sing a few Texas songs, if the Irish are as accommodating as every makes them sound.

I just made my bed. I didn’t wash the sheets but I just stripped the bed and remade it. That’s a form of procrastination that I never used before.

I keep looking at the backpack my friend loaned me for my trip and it just makes me smile; especially since my cowboy boots are sitting right next to it (not in the following picture, but in real life, right now, in my room, they are friends).

say hello to Oscar the Osprey (yes, I named him... and personified him). He shall be my Ireland travel companion.

I had my job dialogue at work, which is a fancy way of saying that I had my 6 month review… 3 months late, but that was my fault. I didn’t know I had to do paperwork to start the review process! Maybe I would have IF I HAD GONE TO DAY 2 ORIENTATION BEFORE NOW, but whatevs. The only constructive criticism my boss gave me was that I don’t hide my frustration and that affects the team. My response: 1) duh. sorry about that. 2) this means I have integrated parts of myself since I don’t tend to compartmentalize my emotions. BOOYAH! Therapy has been working (as if I needed more proof).

Anyone want to do my laundry for me? I’m over it at this point. Clean clothes are a luxury I don’t really have time for. Please don’t ask me if my pants are clean because, odds are, it’s been a week(ish) since they’ve seen the wash.

I just ate half a box of Annie’s Bunny Graham Friends – the all natural version of Teddy Grahams. I’m feeling a bit sick at this point.


So tired. I’m going to word vomit some of this lament/narcissism paper onto a Word document and see what happens.

I miss my niece like crazy. She’s growing so fast and she is setting the standard for beautiful in my life and I cannot begin to explain how I can love her so much and have never met her, but this is all true.

Cheers, kiddos. We’re almost there (and by ‘we’, I mean me and all my integrated selves).



2 thoughts on “free form 2.0

  1. I totally think you’re right about the lack of lament bit in the church. However, rather than pairing that with narcissism, I would pair it with how the church deals poorly with shame. To lament is often to face shame and in my experience, the church doesn’t really know how to have a healthy engagement with shame. Instead, they use shame as a behavior modification tool.

    The book of Job is a good example of this. Here’s this guy, Job, who has every right to bitch and moan about his life but his friends? They can’t let him do that. They keep wanting to explain away all the misfortune in his life. They use shame (“you must have sinned in some way for all of this calamity to have befallen you”) in order to prevent Job from lamenting.

    One might say that it’s the arrogance/narcissism of Job’s friends that makes them want to constantly explain away Job’s suffering, but one might also say that it’s because they’re wanting to avoid their own shame – shame at the fact that they’re unable to explain calamity, a shame that they cover up by accusing Job of somehow bringing all this misfortune onto himself.

    If you haven’t heard of her, Google Brene Brown and her two TED talks where she talks about how shame destroys connection when it’s hidden but how it brings life when it’s shared.

    Two cents, and good luck!

    • thank you Randall! This is helpful. I’m thinking of narcissism as a defensive structure, not a personality structure, and I think it is linked to shame. Also, I was in need of one more source, so maybe that TED video is what I’ve been needing.

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