Barista Livin’

Scroll down to my newest adventure, food service. It’s like being a Barista but without the coffee…

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I’ve worked in several different coffee shops for a few years now (and yes, I’ve rocked that Green Apron), so I do believe that I have stories to tell of caffeine junkies who are looking for their next (overpriced) fix.

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did you know that ‘barista’ is Italian for coffee artist? I did.

did you also know that in the pre-dawn hours of the day that many people actually translate it tomind reader? I learned that one the hard way.

this customer mindset spans all working shifts; it is not merely in the morning when customers will expect you, the barista, to simply read their mind and make their beverage without them actually having to speak. God forbid they actually use their words like big boys and girls.

My favorite moment is when they leave off one word:

“May I have a tall vanilla soy?”

The answer is yes, you may, but a tall vanilla soy what? Latte? Cappuccino? Steamer? Misto? Please finish that sentence!

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I also want to take a moment and say that I know it would make sense that the bigger the drink means you would have more coffee, more punch to your beverage, more caffeine to your blood. I am here to tell you that you are mistaken. For example…

a Venti white chocolate mocha from MoonDollars is a total of 20 ounces. Within that 20 ounces is five (5!!!) pumps of thick, sugary white mocha sauce, two shots of espresso, steamed milk of your choosing, and whipped cream on top. In all of those 20 ounces you will find only two (!??!?!!) of espresso. 18 oz of sugar, milk, and more sugar with 2 oz of caffeine.

You can get the same amount of caffeine in a 12 oz cup of coffee – that’s the size that most stores would call ‘tall’ even though it’s the second shortest cup in the store. Still want the sugary goodness of the white chocolate mocha? get a tall size with an extra shot or even a grande size with an extra shot. Don’t think that just by purchasing the largest size that you’re getting the most caffeine.

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I understand that you’re paying an outrageous amount of money on coffee, I really do, but I would also like to point out that I did not make you come in to this coffee shop and make you buy anything. You are the master of your own destiny, the captain of your own ship. You decided that this latte was worth $4. Therefore, you have no right to be rude to me. I am providing you with a service at a price that you, on some level, decided was worth this price or you would have made it yourself at home. Leave your attitude at the door or your ass is getting decaf (and no, I’m not joking). I won’t mess with your milk selection but when I can, i will mess with your caffeine. I hold the power. Snap at me, snap at a co-worker/partner and you will feel the pain of withdrawals.

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When you ask for a grande mocha and then add that you want it strong, don’t give me that look when I clarify: strong coffee flavor or strong mocha flavor? Maybe I should clarify that mocha is a fancy word for chocolate, not coffee. Are you wanting an extra shot of espresso or an extra pump of mocha?

And that look? that look that says, “WHY???? Why do you ask me such stupid questions??!?!?!” Trust me, I’d punch you in the face if I could/had the nerve to show my emotions in a physical way.

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Why? Why do you shout your order to me as you run to the bathroom and then treat me like I’m an incompetent moron when your beverage isn’t waiting for you on the counter when you emerge from doing your business? So much about this moment is unnecessary in both of our lives.

It’s called eSSpresso. Not eXpresso. Please pronounce it correctly or *whoops* your order will be wrong.

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FOOD SERVICE

My newest job adventures have brought me to the realm of customer service and food. Yes, it’s totally as exciting as it sounds. I will be updating this section with the daily adventures of what life on the food service front lines looks like and then I will analyze it with my budding therapist brain.

Yes, it will be just as exciting as it sounds.

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There is a glass divider that separates the food from the people for a reason. I don’t know when you washed your hands last, and only god know what you’ve done, so for the love KEEP YOUR GOD DAMN HANDS ON YOUR SIDE OF THE GLASS and do NOT look at me like I kicked your dog when I ask you politely to keep your hands on your side of the glass.

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If you approach me so that I may serve you, and you’re also on your phone, I will pretend like you do not exist. Hang up the phone, and I will be the best damn service person you’ve ever encountered.

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6 thoughts on “Barista Livin’

  1. I’m dying laughing at you, and yes thanks to you I only order a tall, or even recently that great cup of “drip”. I feel all special like, that my famous barista cousin taught me this one, and every time I order it I think of that special time we spent in that AMAZING french bakery in West Seattle. What I would give for one of those pastries right now. Nom nom nom!

  2. OMG. i am just reading this. court, seriously! haha! so funny!!!
    (it’s a rainy day here & i’m SO bored & ignoring my children by catching up on some blogging!)

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